On a Cloudy Day

Who needs formal introductions in their first blog post? We’ll just jump right in. Hold on tight!

Do you know people that always seem to have encouraging words for you? I always find it a great encouragement when people share with me how they see Christ at work in their lives. I feel I need that kind of encouragement at the moment. I myself have a hard time to see God at work, let alone trust Him. Some people in my life have lots of critical questions about God and His word, and I just seem to not have the right answers. This leaves me confused. For example: if God is a loving God, why does He fight in wars (He’s with the Isrealites and they win the war, other people are killed, because God is against them. Why does God side with one population to kill another?)? Or how can I be happy when I’m in heaven after I’ve died, while I know all my dear family members and friends who have never believed the right thing will forever be damned to hell?

Last week I have been able to sit down and be still. I have started praying more and reading the Bible. I haven’t done that for a couple of months, because I felt guilty towards God. If God says in the Bible: don’t be unequally yoked, and I am doing just that, I am going against God’s will on purpose. This leaves me feel sad and guilty, like I don’t get to be with my boyfriend if I truly listen to God. And because I know I am deliberately refusing to listen to God, God is silent (it’s my own fault). I’ve been reading ‘Too Busy Not to Pray” by Bill Hybels, and he writes about reasons why God might not grant you what you prayed for. One of them might be sin in your life. I am so afraid this is what is the case in my life. At the same time I am doubting my faith: what if it is not really true and I’m making all this fuss about nothing. And I hate to look at my boyfriend in this way: that he’s an unbeliever and that it is wrong to be with him. Let alone how I see our engagement, our wedding. I feel stuck. And this place I’m in now, I’ve been in for over half a year. So far I don’t see a way out. If only this could become reality for me: “He leads me to lush pastures, he leads me to refreshing water. He restores my strength, he leads me down the right paths for the sake of his reputation. Even when I must walk through the darkest valley, I fear no danger, for you are with me; your rod and your staff reassure me.”(Ps. 23:2-4)

If you happen to have any encouraging words, please share them below. It will be highly appreciated!

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